


I'm Left in the Dark

by IronWoman359



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Ducking out - which is similar in some ways to suicide, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-07-25 15:40:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20028226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IronWoman359/pseuds/IronWoman359
Summary: Patton decides that he's failed as Thomas's morality and that the only way to keep himself from hurting Thomas more is to keep himself from influencing Thomas at all. When he ducks out, will the others be able to save him before he's lost to the subconscious for good?





	1. Right State of Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘Cause I'm not in a right state of mind.  
I just wish I had strength to admit it.  
My stubbornness will put up a fight,  
but I don't deserve to win it.

_It’s my fault. It’s my fault. It’s _ **_my fault._ **

He’d been so sure that he was right. How could he not be? It was his _job_ to be right. He was meant to lead, to guide, to steer them all towards what was good and true and _right_. He’d fought against what came to tempt, pushed away what sought to corrupt. He was protecting them. He was _helping_ them. 

Except…

He wasn’t really, was he? What was welcome, what was forbidden, what was good and what was wrong. He’d been so diligent in filtering away anything that could hurt them that _he’d_ become the cause of the hurt.

_It’s my fault, it’s my fault, it’s my fault._

There wouldn’t be “forbidden sides” if he hadn’t forbidden them. Anxiety wouldn’t have needed to be redeemed if he’d just been accepted in the first place. The Duke wouldn’t be so dangerous if he hadn’t forced the King to change. Doing the right thing wouldn’t hurt so much if _he_ hadn’t made it so impossible. 

_“He’s being too strict.”_

There was no way to fix what he had broken. There was no way to make it up to them. But maybe…maybe there was a way for him to still do the right thing. Maybe he couldn’t change the past, but he could shape the future. Into something better. Into something good. But for the future to be good…it couldn’t have what was bad. 

Logic would know what was right and what was wrong. The Prince would know how to feel. Anxiety would keep them safe. Maybe, without him, they could even make amends with the Others.

It was his job to be right. And he had failed. But in this…in this, he would not fail. He wouldn’t hurt them any longer. One more thing to be banished, then, never again. 

“Patton?” a knock on the door and Virgil’s voice pulled him from his thoughts. Are you coming to dinner?” 

He wanted to call to him, wanted to reach out, wanted to be talked out of what he planned to do. But that would be selfish of him. That would be wrong. And he was done being wrong. 

He forced a smile even as tears stood on his cheeks. 

_“Quack,” _he whispered.

“Patton?!” 

Virgil pushed open the door, but he was too late. 

Morality was no more. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally wrote this as a oneshot, but the idea of how the others would respond wouldn't leave me alone, so I'm continuing it! The styles will be very different in chapters 2&3 than in this one though, since this was meant more as an emotional study of Patton and 2&3 will be more narratively driven. Hope you enjoyed!


	2. Heart's Good Intentions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My life's become this grand game of deception.  
My mind's ignored all my heart's good intentions.  
We all feel this tension.  
We all have our own illusions.

Virgil’s scream shook the mindscape, and it brought the others rushing to his side in less than a minute. Roman was the first to arrive, barging headfirst into the room with his sword drawn.

“Virgil! What is it?” His eyes darted around the room, looking for the cause of Virgil’s distress, but he paused when he saw his friend curled up in the fetal position on the floor. “Virgil?” Roman asked more gently, kneeling next to him. “What’s wrong?”

Virgil turned to him, eyes wide and full of tears, and Roman let his sword fall to the ground so he could pull the anxious side into a hug. Virgil shook like a leaf, and clutched at Roman’s sash as he gasped for air between his sobs. 

“Shh, shh,” Roman soothed, rocking the pair back and forth slightly as he held Virgil close. “Just breathe now, my dark knight, that’s it…” 

“What is going on?” 

Logan’s voice was a tad higher than normal as he arrived in Patton’s room, slightly out of breath. His eyes swept the room, and in an instant he was on one knee beside Roman and the still sobbing Virgil. He met Roman’s eyes briefly, and the creative side shook his head with a half shrug.

“Virgil?” Logan asked in as soft a voice as he could manage. “What has caused you so much distress?” 

“I-I…h-he just...” Virgil hiccuped, and Roman rubbed soothing circles into his back. 

“Take your time, stormcloud,” he whispered, and Virgil took a shaky breath. 

“P-patton...he was h-here and then, then he...he just...he’s _gone!_” 

“Do...you mean that he sunk out?” Roman asked, confusion clear in his voice. “Or-” 

“No!” Virgil pulled himself up a little straighter, and stared right at Logan, though he still kept a tight grip on Roman’s sash. “He didn’t sink out, h-he...he faded _away_, like...like I did when...when I-” 

“Oh…” The color drained from Logan’s face as he understood, and Virgil turned away, burying his face in Roman’s chest.

“What?” Roman cried, looking back and forth between the two. “What is it?” 

“It seems that Patton has...ducked out,” Logan said quietly. 

There was a beat of silence, the absence of a cheerful “Quack!” hanging heavily in the air. 

“H-how...how do we fix it?” Roman asked eventually. “There, there must be some way to bring him back...we brought Virgil back, we can bring him back too, right?” 

“Theoretically,” Logan said. “But we brought Virgil back from his attempted resignation by going to his room...but we are already in Patton’s room, and in fact Virgil _saw_ Patton before he vanished...so I don’t know how we-” 

“I wasn’t in my room.” Virgil sat up again, this time releasing his grip on Roman’s shirt, and wiped the back of his sleeve across his face. “When I ducked out before...you all thought I was in my room, but that’s not how it works. I came back because I sensed you in there, and I couldn’t just let you…” he trailed off, the dustings of a blush on his cheeks, and Logan nodded in understanding. ‘

“Despite your decision to leave, your preservation instincts were too strong to let us stay in your room where we were vulnerable without your protection.” 

“Right,” Virgil nodded. 

“So where _were_ you?” Roman asked. “Where...?” 

_Where’s Patton?_ hung unspoken in the air, and Virgil grimaced. 

“The subconscious,” he said quietly.

No one spoke. No one had to, they all knew what could happen if a side stayed in the subconscious for too long. That part of the mind was raw, unfiltered and untamed. It was all too easy to be consumed by that swirling void of thought, to be broken down into pieces until whatever made you _you_ was gone, little more than fragments remaining. It was the only way a side could truly die. 

“You...you mean before...you went...” Roman’s voice was small, his expression horrified as he doubtlessly imagined Virgil sinking into that darkness willingly. 

“That doesn’t matter now,” Virgil insisted. “What matters is getting Patton out of there...but the subconscious is _huge_. And if you aren’t trying to keep yourself together, you break down so much faster...I don’t know how to find him before...before he…” 

“We were able to bring you back by essentially proving your conclusions about not being needed incorrect,” Logan said quickly. “If we can determine what would have brought Patton to the conclusion that he...that he should take a similar route, we may be able to disprove it before it is too late.” 

“But why would he do it?” Virgil exclaimed. “I was convinced that I was hurting Thomas, so I thought it would be better for everyone if I was gone. This is _Patton!_ He knows we love him, he knows he’s important, I don’t-” 

“Yes, and he _definitely_ has never hurt Thomas before,” a new voice said silkily. 

Virgil snarled and Roman’s sword reappeared in his hand as Deceit appeared before them, an infuriatingly calm expression on his face. 

“Such a warm welcome, I’m so flattered,” he said as he took in the open hostility. 

“What do you want, Deceit?” Virgil growled. 

“I _certainly_ don’t want to help you all regain your lost morality,” he replied with a quirk of his eyebrow. 

“Sure you do,” Virgil spat. “For all we know you’re the one behind this! You’re the one who always said that Patton was the one we had to watch out for, that he was keeping us subdued, keeping us from influencing Thomas! You’ve always hated him!” 

“Really now Virgil, do you think I would be so self destructive?” Deceit asked, examining the tips of his gloved fingers. “True, I’ve lamented the extent of Morality’s control on Thomas’s decisions. You could even claim that I’ve been trying to break Thomas free of his oppressive grip in recent months. But you of all sides should know that Patton is more than Morality. And Thomas _obviously_ doesn’t need all of Patton’s other traits in order to stay Thomas.” 

Virgil blinked in surprise, and Deceit’s lips quirked into a satisfied smile. 

“Your points may be true, Deceit, but did you have a specific reason for coming here now?” Logan asked evenly. 

Deceit’s smile slipped away, and his eyes met Logan’s. 

“I know a lie when I hear one, even if the person speaking it doesn’t know it themselves,” he said. “And right before Virgil’s _lovely_ vocalizations tore through the mindscape, I most certainly didn’t hear Patton lying to himself over and over again.” 

“What...what lies?” Roman managed to ask, and Deceit pressed his lips in a thin line. 

_“It’s all my fault. All I’ve done is hurt them. I’ve failed them all. This is the only way to fix things.”_

“Wh–no, why would he think that?” Virgil cried. 

“Clearly he’s figured out what I’ve been trying to tell you all this whole time,” Deceit said, and his face fell into an expression that was almost regretful as he continued, “Unfortunately, he seems to have taken it to the most radical of conclusions.” 

“Meaning?” Roman asked, frowning. 

“Patton believes that his strict moral standards are the source of all of Thomas’s current issues, and that him relinquishing that control and fading into the subconscious is the only way to bring Thomas any sense of inner peace,” Logan supplied grimly. 

“Which is _definitely_ what I wanted him to do,” Deceit added, frowning as he folded his arms across his chest. 

“Alright, this is all fine and good, but we still need to get him _back_,” Virgil said urgently. “I wasn’t in the subconscious for that long before I started to drift apart. We need to get him back _now_, before he…” 

“Well how?” Roman asked. “We got you back by being in your room, but we’ve been in his room now longer than we were in yours before you showed up. If this isn’t enough to convince him to come back, what could be?” 

“Well, who’s missing from this pity party?” Deceit asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“Of course…” Logan said, his eyes widening. “Well thought, Deceit.” 

“What? What is it?” Virgil asked, his voice bordering on frantic. Logan and Deceit spoke at the same time.

“We need Thomas.”


	3. Tell Me I'm Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I need you to see through my act,  
to tell me I'm wrong, to take off the mask,  
or else I'll be left in the lie.  
I'll deceive my way straight to demise.

The subconscious wasn’t like the rest of the mindscape. The Commons, each side’s room, the Memory Archives, the Imagination, these places could be explored in a physical sense. They could walk in them, interact with them, treat them as they would treat any place in the real world outside Thomas’s head. 

The subconscious was different. 

It was more like being submerged in the deepest part of the ocean, or perhaps floating through the vastness of space. There was no discernable form to it; thoughts, feelings, and memories all floated aimlessly through the dark expanse with little to no coherency. 

It was no wonder, then, that any side who ventured into that deep, unfathomable abyss would find themselves slowly being pulled apart as the depths of the mind tried to assimilate them into its embrace. 

Patton wasn’t sure how long he’d been floating in the dark, time was rather hard to discern with virtually no visual stimuli, but the subconscious had already begun its work; he could feel himself dissolving away from the moment he’d given himself over to the darkness. 

It hadn’t been easy, at first. In fact, when he first realized that he was losing feeling in his fingers and toes, Patton had panicked. It didn’t matter that he’d chosen to do this, going through with the process was still terrifying, and he’d been unable to keep himself from fighting it in the beginning. 

But fighting the process hurt, the dull tingling turning into a million pins and needles that sent shootings of icy pain through his nerves that hurt worse the harder he focused on holding himself together. Patton soon found that letting go was far more pleasant, the searing pain fading away, replaced by a relieving numbness that spread up his limbs and sunk into his chest. It was so nice, not to be overwhelmed by the constant stream of emotions running through his head. Patton allowed the sensation to soak under his skin and poke at his brain, seeping into his thoughts until his mind was wrapped in a blissful cocoon of oblivion. He saw the tips of his fingers dissolving out of the corner of his eye, disappearing into the blackness like soda fizz, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. 

For the first time in what surely must have been forever, Patton felt nothing at all.

* * *

_“Patton?”_

The voice was a sledgehammer to a car windshield in the previously undisturbed silence, and Patton flinched away, hissing in pain as pins and needles exploded across his skull. He squeezed his eyes shut and curled in on himself, willing the sensation away, but the voice called to him again. 

_“Patton? Patton are you there?”_

_No,_ Patton thought. _I’m not here and I don’t **want** to be here, leave me alone._

_“Please, Patton, if you can hear me, then-”_

“Go away, Logan.” 

Patton opened his eyes, almost expecting to see the logical side floating alongside him, but he was alone as ever in the subconscious. For a moment he wondered if he had imagined it, but then Logan spoke again, his voice echoing from all around him. 

_“I will not, Patton, not until we have you safely returned to us.”_

“I’m not _going_ to be ‘safely returned,’ Logan, I’m not coming back.” 

Patton expected Logan to argue, to present him with some perfectly sound logical explanation for why he shouldn’t do this, that somehow managed to be both right and so so _wrong_ at the same time, but to his surprise, Logan did nothing of the sort. Instead, after a brief moment of silence, he simply asked, 

“Why not?”

Patton broke. 

“Why _not_? Why _**would**_ I, Logan? All I’ve done is hurt Thomas; everything that I tried to do to keep him safe or help him be a good person turns out to have been _hurting_ him all this time! What am I supposed to do with that? How am I supposed to face him now? How is he supposed to trust me to tell him what’s right and wrong when for the past thirty years all I’ve _been_ is **_wrong?”_**

Hot, angry tears spilled over Patton’s eyelids, falling down his face and leaving stinging tracks on his cheeks. His shoulders, which had started to disappear before Logan spoke, were on fire as their disintegration slowed down as Patton’s mind focused again. 

“Patton…” An uncharacteristic level of emotion hung in that simple word, and Patton somehow felt both guilty and angry at that. 

“Just leave me alone, Logan. You’d never understand.” 

More silence, and Patton almost believed that Logan had actually listened, then,

“You’re right.”

What? 

“About one thing, that is,” Logan continued hurriedly, as if he were afraid his meaning would be misconstrued. “I...do not understand what you’re experiencing right now. However, I know somebody who does.” 

“What are you talking-” 

“Patton?” 

Patton sucked in a sharp breath. Virgil’s voice was small, so slight that he’d barely heard it, yet it resonated deep inside him, as though Virgil was resting his head on Patton’s chest as he spoke, the way he did when he came to Patton for help recovering from nightmares. 

“Patton, can you hear me?” 

Virgil sounded as though he had been crying, and Patton’s heart clenched, the anger he’d felt earlier washing away leaving only the guilt behind. 

“Y-yeah,” he stammered, surprised by the unsteadiness of his own voice. “Yeah, I can hear you kiddo.” 

“Please come home, Pat,” Virgil begged. 

“I...I can’t,” Patton whispered. 

“Why not?” 

Patton thought about how much he’d failed. How much hurt he’d caused when he only sought to help. How much he may have done to Virgil personally, back before things changed and all they knew was Anxiety. Everything that he told Logan and more swirled around in his mind, yet the only thing he could manage to choke out was,

“You know why.” 

“Really?” Patton could imagine that Virgil had quirked an eyebrow up. “All I know is why _I_ once thought about doing the same thing. Which, going off of what you told Logan, is pretty similar to what you’re thinking.” 

“I...guess,” Patton said. 

“Patton...do you think that I should have gone through with ducking out?” Virgil asked carefully. Patton didn’t even hesitate.

“Absolutely not.” 

“But why not?” 

“Because Thomas needed, no, _needs_ you, kiddo. You’re what keeps him safe, without you, Thomas...he isn’t even _Thomas_.” 

“But I messed up so much,” Virgil insisted. “I lashed out, and I hurt him, so many times when I thought I was protecting. I held him back from reaching his goals and I kept him from being the best that he could be.” 

“But without you at _all_ Thomas could never be his best either!” Patton shot back. “You bring so much more to the table than your mistakes, and everyone cares about you despite whatever happened in the past!” 

Patton’s chest was burning as feeling slowly spread back across his torso, but he ignored the unpleasantness, instead waiting with baited breath for Virgil’s reply. 

“Yeah.” Virgil’s voice was impossibly gentle. “So what makes me any different than you?” 

Patton wanted to answer. He felt that he _should_ have an answer, some way to make Virgil see that this was different, but his grasp of the english language was failing him and all he could do was shrug, ignoring the fact that Virgil couldn’t actually see him. 

“Patton,” Virgil said again. “Why are you any less deserving of a second chance?” 

“I…” More tears pooled in Patton’s eyes, and he reached up to wipe them away, noting with some surprise that his fingertips were almost completely back. “Thomas doesn’t need me like he needs you, Virgil.” 

“Bullshit.” 

_“Language!”_

“Thomas is a wreck without you Patton, just like he was a wreck without me. He’s completely manic; he’s going back and forth between feeling way too much and feeling nothing at all, and it’s not even been an hour yet. He can _not_ go out into the world like this and even if he _could_, I don’t even want to _think_ about what the lack of a moral filter would do to his decision making. I can only accomplish so much with fear alone, and the others are all too concerned with their own agendas to consider how Thomas might affect someone _else_. Thomas _needs_ you, Patton, everyone needs you, I-” 

Virgil’s words cut off abruptly, and when he spoke again his voice was thick and heavy sounding. 

“I..._I_ need you, Patton, please come home.” 

“I…” Patton wrapped his arms around himself, a small, fragile ball floating in the sea of emptiness around him. “I’m scared, Virgil,” he whispered. 

Virgil’s watery laugh rumbled around him, and Patton could almost picture the forced smile on his friend’s face. 

“Me too, Pat.” 

“What about all my mistakes?” 

“We’ll figure it out. Just like we’ve always done. Together, okay?” 

Patton took one last look around the subconscious. The numbness lapped at his feet, asking him to sink back into its unfeeling embrace, and it was tempting. Oh, it was tempting to just let go again. But Patton clenched his fully formed fists, ignored the burning pricks that swept through his body, and nodded. 

“Together.” 

* * *

Reappearing in his room, Patton was greeted by a strange sight. 

Thomas was sitting on his rug on the floor, his knees drawn up to his chest and tears streaming down his cheeks. He was rocking back and forth slightly, staring wide eyed at a blank spot on Patton’s wall as if it held all the secrets of the universe. Sitting on either side of him, taking turns whispering in his ear was Logan and…

“Deceit?” Patton asked in surprise, causing all three of them to look up. 

Thomas’s face held a childish expression of awe for a moment, before melting back into something more familiar, though still heart breaking as fresh tears poured down his face. Logan looked equally relieved, slumping his shoulders and pulling his glasses off to rub his face, while Deceit…

“_Dreadful_ to see you back safe and sound with us, Patton,” Deceit said. He took off his bowler hat and ran a gloved hand through his hair, then replaced it and grimaced up at Patton. “Things were _just peachy_ without you.” 

“What...what’re you…” Patton stumbled over his words, unsure of what he was even asking, when the sound of his door flying open behind him made him jump. 

“Is he back? I sensed a shift in...oh thank god.” 

Patton turned around to see Roman slumped against the doorframe, relief written all over his features. His sword was drawn and hanging at his side, and he gave Patton a shaky smile.

“Welcome back, Padre.” 

“What...what is going on?” Patton asked, looking around his room in bewilderment. It was only then that he caught sight of Virgil, looking very pale and shaken, perched on top of Patton’s nightstand. 

“Well, this has been an invigorating team building exercise, but I think I’ll take my leave now,” Deceit said smoothly, replacing his hat and getting to his feet. “Roman, where is Remus now?” 

“I bought some time to check on you by telling him we were playing hide and seek and that he had to find me somewhere in the imagination.” 

“Okaaay...and did he actually _believe_ you?” 

“Um…” 

“Right,” Deceit sighed, and he strode towards the door. “I’m going to find him before he realizes he’s just been left unsupervised. Next time, just lock him in an escape room, that’ll usually buy you at least five minutes and he’ll have a blast in the meantime.” 

“Deceit,” Logan called from the floor, and the dark side glanced back at him. “Thank you. Without your reassurances to help soothe Thomas, I doubt he could have held open his connection to the subconscious for as long as he did. Patton may very well not have been rescued without your efforts.” 

A strange look crossed Deceit’s face, and he nodded curtly to Logan.

“Well...don’t call me if you need me,” he muttered, then he was gone with a swish of his cape and a slam of the door. 

“Will someone _please_ explain wha–whoa,” Patton said, swaying on his feet as he tried to turn back towards the others. 

“Easy, Padre, easy,” Roman soothed, coming up from behind and slipping beneath his arm to support him. 

“Sit him down on the bed, re-entry to the conscious mind after so long in the subconscious is sure to be physically jarring,” Logan suggested, getting to his feet and helping Thomas up as well. 

Patton allowed himself to be eased onto his bed and accepted a glass of water that Logan summoned and pressed into his hands. The others all piled up on the bed beside him, careful to give him space but all within his reach. He looked around at them all, at Logan’s pinched features, at Roman’s disheveled hair, at Virgil’s swollen and puffy eyes. He looked at Thomas, who bore all three signs of distress and so much more, still looking at him like he was the prodigal son come home, and not for the first time that day, something inside him broke. 

He didn’t know who caught him first as he pitched forward, his shoulders shaking with sobs, but it hardly mattered as nearly immediately three other sets of arms encircled him. 

“I’m sorry,” he cried over and over again through his tears. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” 

Four voices murmured gentle reassurances to him, and he soaked up their words like a sponge. 

“It’s okay Padre, we’ve got you now.”

“You are not alone anymore Patton, we are here.” 

“S’all right Dad, we’re all here, we’re all okay now.” 

“Shhh…I forgive you, Pat. I forgive you.” 

Patton had made the wrong choice yet again. He’d utterly failed as Morality, and he’d let them all down. But somehow, in some, beautiful unfathomable way, his family still loved him. 

And for the first time in a long time, Patton felt right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for coming on this unexpected journey of emotions with me! I wasn’t planning on this being a series, but people asked for a happy ending for my angst and as I was thinking about the possibilities of what that would look like, I got carried away, lol, so now this exists! I hope you enjoyed it, thanks for reading! <3 
> 
> !!Bonus Features!! 
> 
> Fun Fact: the title of this fic and the chapter summaries all come from the song "Liar" by Arcadian Wild, look it up and give it a listen, especially if you enjoy the sound/style of folk music. 
> 
> I intentionally left the explanation of what was happening in Patton’s room out of the final cut since I felt it was a little clunky and got in the way of the emotions, but basically what happened is this: They needed Thomas to open up his subconscious so that they could communicate with Patton, but without Patton to stabilize his emotions, Thomas was unable to stay focused enough to keep his mind open. Logan and Deceit had to work together to keep him stable, alternating between Logan instructing him on keeping the mind open to Deceit whispering sweet nothings and empty reassurances to keep him calm. Roman was distracting Remus to keep him from realizing and taking advantage of the fact that Morality was out of commission, and Virgil had Logan’s place of trying to keep Thomas calm while Logan talked with Patton.


End file.
